March 27, 2008
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Pregnancy, miscarriage, fertility, infertility, siblings, honesty, and JEALOUSY
This post has been brewing in my head for about a month, and it’s time to get some things off my chest. I’ve been hesitant to write about all of this, because many of my friends are pregnant, or just had new babies. I want to say that I honestly am happy for all of you (I’ll only say that once, but it will be true throughout this whole post). I still love to hear about the pregnancies, births, and new-baby life. But at the same time, I hate to hear about them, because I want it to be me. This may not be the best written post, and it might be a bunch of disjointed thoughts, but it’s something I need to say.
I thought I was supposed to have a baby in March. When I miscarried in July/August, I knew for a week or so that it was probably going to happen. I was upset, but since we got pregnant so easily, I moved on quickly with plans for another baby as soon as possible. But since my second miscarriage in December, March didn’t pass by as easily as I had expected. Babies have been born to moms that got pregnant around the same time I did. And it kills me inside to miss that for myself. June/July will be even harder than March has been, because I thought I was supposed to have a baby then as well. And it will kill me inside to miss that for myself. And Marissa.
I don’t have any doubts that as soon as we start trying again, I’ll get pregnant easily. But we are waiting for other reasons, and it’s killing me inside. We’ve discussed it in great length, but it’s best that we wait.
I also feel so guilty for that, because there are so many women who don’t have that confidence. They’ve tried for months or even years, and still don’t have a healthy child to show for it. What right do I have to complain about my perfectly wonderful (yet small) family?
My new job. Families I see in stores. Siblings on blogs I read. There are so many times I hurt inside because I want to give Marissa a sibling. When she turned 1, I realized that I wanted a small age difference, and even if I got pregnant right that second, it was going to be a bigger difference that I ideally wanted. Almost a year later, we are still no closer to having a sibling for her, and she’s only getting older. To watch her with the 7 month old at my new job, I just know she would be THE PERFECT big sister. She’s so gentle, giving kisses and hugs any time the baby even starts to whimper. She tells me to pick the baby up to make her feel better. She gives her toys, her pacifier, and even tried to give her her bottle once. She’s been in love with every baby she’s seen for at least 6 months.
I want to be pregnant. I want to feel a life growing inside me. I want to have 9 months of giddy anticipation. I want to ENJOY newborn life, because with Marissa I was so miserable breastfeeding at first, I don’t even remember her first 4 months or so. I want to watch Marissa cuddle a tiny baby, and have that baby be ours. I want to watch Marissa grow up to be close to her siblings, in age and in love.
There were so many thoughts in my head, somehow I thought this post would be longer. But I guess that about sums it up. I am suffering from extreme jealousy and bitterness. I realize I have so much to be thankful for, but it’s hard, when there’s still so much that I want for our life. I’m doing better with it, but I still have a long way to go, and I’m not sure I’ll ever be completely over it all. Somewhere, God has a reason for all this CRAP that I’ve gone through. But I’m still waiting to find that out.
Comments (8)
Dear Stacy,
I think God let me see this tonight (even though I should be in bed) on purpose. I will pray, pray, pray with you on this. Just tonight, I sat here crying out in my heart over and over and over for God to be my Shield, my Very Great Reward (Gen. 15:1). I was watching the video of my dearest friend on earth’s unborn son (on ultrasound), due in August. For some reasons, the pregancies/births of my nephews and my other best friend’s children have not been as agonizing, but this one, oh, this one aches…it *hurts awfully*…down in my gut…and doesn’t seem to stop. I, like you, have so much and so many myriad blessings for which to be thankful…and yet… …and yet…
A couple of years ago, God showed me Genesis 15, a passage I’d taught a hundred times, in a new light…as God Himself appears to Abram and says that I AM Abram’s Shield and his Very Great Reward…and Abram, to Almighty God says, but Sovereign Lord, what can You give to me, since I remain childless?
I will pray that our Sovereign God will show you Himself, that He will remove the jealousy and bitterness from you, that He will heal your very real hurt and bind up your wounds and that He will show you so clearly that He is holding you close in the palm of His nail-scarred hands.
Know that I ache and pray with you,
Deborah
I don’t have any profound words for you, but know that I’m praying for you. God has HUGE plans for your family, so just remember that! Everything happens in His timing, even though it hurts and doesn’t make sense to us sometimes. *Hugs*!
It’s totally normal to feel that way about losing babies. I still have a hard time making it through January (our first babys due month), and sometimes when I see Zach doing stuff all I can think about is how his twin should be here doing this stuff with him. I hope this post helped you get some stuff off of your chest, usually writing about it helps me too. Marissa will be a wonderful big sister, she’s just getting a lot of good practice now.
I’m thinking of you.
Stacy,
I won’t pretend I have any understanding of what you’re going through. I don’t.
However I DO know that siblings don’t have to necessarily be close in age, or the same gender, or have the same interests, or anything, to be close in love. Trevor and Carol are probably the closest siblings in our family, and Trevor was almost nine when Carol was born – yet they are like glue and have been Carol’s whole life. Trevor led Carol to the Lord when she was younger, and they just have a really neat bond. Likewise, Elisabeth and I are super close, with seven years between us. Elisabeth and Keenan are also really close, with nearly seven years between them.
All this to say, please don’t worry that should you have more children and they be further apart in age than you had hoped, that they won’t be close. No, they may not be on the same sports teams together or do all the same activities at the same time - but that really doesn’t have to matter.
Praying for you!
I know I probably don’t have the right words, but I just want to encourage you in some way. When I’m down I try to remember the God’s mercies are new every morning! I’ll keep you in my prayers.
I just read this post and I wish I could say something to help you with these feelings, but for somethings…there are just not any words. I can encourage you that my boys are 3.5 years apart (quite the gap, we thought!) and yet, already they are developing a beautiful friendship. So despite the gap…siblings can still be very close, perhaps even closer bc they will lack the natural comparison that close in age siblings have.
Hugs to you!
Praying for you, Stacy!!